THE MOST EPIC RESUME EVER

Headline: Experienced Award-Winning Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion Executive, PMP

✅ management consulting background, ✅ results-driven, ✅ creative, ✅ overachieving in the most cool and efficient way, ✅ charismatic, ✅ insanely intelligent, ✅ wildly humorous, and ✅devastatingly humble ✅ oh, and proficient in Microsoft Office (except MS Access)

🕵️‍♀️ seeking a director or executive-level position at an amazing organization that will allow me to remain as such and pay me what my experience is worth (or whatever Rihanna said).


I wear many hats 🎩 (and personalities), all of which are authentically me (hold your applause).

I’m an unassuming relationship builder and team player 🤝 (seriously, people love me! 🫶 Except those who hate people like me. And those with an unfounded and illogical Gemini bias… Well, there is Kanye, and Trump BUT there’s also Prince, Tupac, and me so…).


I managed to have accumulated 14 years of phenomenal professional experience (refer to “professional experience”) mostly due to remaining alive and adopting a most professional and, at times, frustratingly boring executive presence, which I’ve been slowly shedding for the past 2 years as a self-employed writer, speaker, and consultant (though I owe my success largely to stretch pants and elastic waistbands).

By way of background, I was raised by a bad-ass single mother who works in retail and is a self-proclaimed “sucker for a beat” (she’ll hop on anybody’s dance floor, especially if house music is being played). 💃🏾 Before she asks, does this job come with an employee discount?


I would be remiss if I did not also mention that I am the daughter of my late absentee father (I don’t mean late to parenthood, I mean late late ⚰️❤️🙏🏾) who was from Brownsville Brooklyn and hustled most of his life (most people would assume drugs, right? But not YOU! You are different. You are aware of unconscious bias and avoid stereotype threat like COV—the plague. While tempting, I won’t satisfy your curiosities. Because I am trustworthy—a “trusted advisor” some would even venture to say. 💁🏾‍♀️)


I’ve inherited both their work ethic and penchant for a good time (I thought the word was “pension” but used SOUND JUDGMENT to Google before posting💡).

Did I mention… ? I’m an only child so…

works well independently but loves the comfort of a team. 🫂


Growing up, I shared a room with pseudo-siblings (all my nana’s foster and adopted children ❤️) and I like to think this is what gave me a heart for diversity, equity, & inclusion (and an unhealthy attachment style in relationships but that’s for me and my therapist to work out. You do offer mental health benefits, right?).


I know this doesn’t matter because you’re being fair and objective and also because it’s illegal to ask but it’s something that I value tremendously and you should too (I’ll explain why once I’m hired): I am a working mom with a superstar 6-year-old son and a business-building husband at home (what’s love got to do with it, am-i-rite? j/k, mostly). Thank God for them!


Speaking of God and things you can’t ask, I am a Christian. In full transparency, I wasn’t always. I did practice Islam for a couple of years as a young adult, then went through a WILD non-religious period (just kind of hoping God’s like but did you die? Well… what happens on earth stays on earth? 🤜🤛). But lucky for you and me both, I survived. 🫣 And Jesus found me AGAIN! 🔍🙇🏽‍♀️ Some things are just meant to be. 😇


I generally love people from all walks of life, especially those from marginalized communities, and enjoy short walks to the kitchen and “big picture” conversations (video optional). I’ve learned that we are truly more similar than we are different and I bring this lens of shared human experience and exploration to my DEI strategy & approach. COMPassion is hugely important to me.


So is COMPensation.💰I’ve been broke. I don’t intend to be again. I have worked hard and sacrificed a lot to be the first in my family to graduate college (during Bush’s recession. Don’t debate me on this because I do NOT debate politics, publicly or privately. Or speak on them at work for that matter, unless it’s about human rights. But only human rights that the company supports, that is. Because then, and only then, is it my job and I’m happy to adapt to an ever-changing environment) and to become a millionaire by my early thirties (not because I had any bootstraps to pull myself up by, mostly because I risked career suicide by taking a 6-month sabbatical from work and with that free mental space (and my nana’s you-only-live-once spirit) used my last $10k and stellar credit to start investing in what is now a modest real estate portfolio. Now, I know why employers aren’t particularly fond of career breaks, unless it’s to be busy caring for the incessant needs of a newborn. I assure you, I am planning nothing of the sort.) I said all that to say… I’m serious about results and have a lot of people looking to me as an example. I cannot fail.


❓ Have I ever had to influence without authority? Develop strategy? Solve problems? Overcome adversity? Yes, and if you want me to “tell you about a time” when I did all those things, let’s do so over lunch.


Or Zoom. I’m flexible… and I hope you are too!


Because I value flexibility and the ability to control my schedule using adult and professional judgment to make all things work in the most effective way for both you and I (with minimal resentment on both ends).


I worked nearly full time while also managing an 18-credit course load at one of the top business schools in the WORLD (respectfully). So don’t worry, I’m no stranger to putting in the work but at this juncture in life, I’m also looking to maintain my sanity. And have dinner with my family, you know… table stakes (pun intended). 📴


In case you were wondering about my weaknesses, they are mostly subjective and open to interpretation. Objectively, I am a creative writer with absolutely NO formal writing credentials. Except my award-winning book, Home For Hurricanes. Available wherever you buy books. #shamelessplug (but isn’t this whole thing?) Does that count?


(Also, I’m not saying I’m Michelle Obama or anything but ya girl’s got a track record of success. 📈 Respectfully.)


Do not let my warm and approachable demeanor fool you into thinking I’ll always be this agreeable. My curious mind challenges why we do EVERYTHING. 🤔 My mouth typically follows suit, respectfully, and usually only when I have an alternative to offer (how do I say I’m solutions-oriented without saying I’m solutions-oriented). 🙋🏽‍♀️ I am not easily intimidated but I do respect hierarchy 🫡 (and my years of practice submitting to my husband in marriage and coercing my son to bathe has made me quite savvy in the subtle art of “leading the witness”😏).


And I am a closeted introvert so please give me space to be thoughtful about my contribution (social distancing if you will) and to consider all possible challenges, my rebuttal, if any, and calculate the risk of feeding the angry Black woman stereotype. And a private office to recharge in, if feasible (with the door open, obvi. I mean I’m not a total—)


My dream job: one that leverages and values my diverse (lived and professional) experience, thought leadership, strategy, creativity, and execution, has the resources & leadership support necessary for me to be successful in partnering with business leaders to drive DEI strategy (While I am a great actress, I am a horrible puppet).


My real dream job: writing in a diverse writers room for a (preferably, comedic and race/diversity-based) television show that will pay me enough to uproot and relocate my family to sunny LA (have you seen LA real estate prices??? 💸💸💸).


(Sad to see you go Black-ish. But what about another spinoff? I’m thinking Professional-ish?)


That pretty much sums it up.


Oh, fun fact: I was salutatorian of my high school class (an offensive number of years ago, which makes this fact almost irrelevant. Almost.) I’m not sure if the background check will catch that so I thought I’d humbly note it here.


References available upon request.


But not a cover letter.

Thank you for your consideration. And God bless the United Corporate State of America.


Warm regards (I actually do not know what this means except that it sounds well-intentioned... and colonial. I am, however, proficient in 2020’s business vernacular. I hope all is well. With all that is going on. In the new normal. You’re on mute. Per my last email.),


Monique (not Monica) Murphy

Would you vote to hire this person for an executive role?

Let me know why in the comments.

THIS POST IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY


(…and to prompt self-reflection on executive presence, particularly as it relates to the notion of authenticity at work.)



 

Monique “Nikki” Murphy is an awarded Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Speaker based in New York, a poet, financial literacy advocate, wife, mother, and award-winning author of Home For Hurricanes: A Memoir of Resilience in Poetry & Prose, a Black coming of age story book available online. As a DEI and motivational speaker, Murphy leverages her corporate leadership experience, DEI expertise, and elements of her personal story of resilience to help her audiences become intentional about thriving in life and work.


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